I have my first appointment with my eating disorder specialist on Thursday…
I binged over the weekend. Bad. And I had no laxatives and didn’t purge. Yesterday I completely didn’t eat, and my parents knew. I told my dad it was a migraine but he flipped out and told my mom if I don’t weigh enough they’ll hospitalize me, which is complete bullshit. He acts like he knows so much, and he doesn’t. I ate about 100 calories today, and my plan is to not eat until after my appointment on Thursday. Maybe I’ll be able to stay in the fitness center after school and run on the treadmill for a little while tomorrow as well. I’m nervous. I don’t want to be the fattest, healthiest one she’s ever seen there. I don’t want them to make me fatter. I don’t know my weight right now. I know it’s in the 90s…which is way too much. Below 85 is my somewhat ‘safe’ zone. I’m freaking out.
"Lux had lost weight. All sixteen mentioned her jutting ribs, the insubstantiality of her thighs, and one, who went up to the roof with Lux during a warm winter rain, told us how the basins of her collarbones collected water."
The Virgin Suicides
(Source: tulipfalls, via e-xcess)
Monday, April 30, 2012
Intake:
- 2 cups of coffee with creamer (150)
- 28 grams of hummus (45)
- 85 grams of baby carrots (35)
Total: 230 Calories
The coffee creamer was completely unnecessary. I have fake sugar at home. There is no excuse, especially since it made up 65% of my total intake. I hate liquid calories. I’m pathetic.
I just spent the past 30 minutes taking my measurements
I keep convincing myself I’m cheating. I probably am. I’m fucking pathetic. I’m scared of knowing the real numbers even though I see them.
I’m going to take them everyday and write them in my food diary with my intake. I will not slack off. I will not stop writing it all down, even if there is a binge.
I will be 90 pounds or less by my first appointment with the ‘eating disorder specialist’ I have to go see….whenever that may be.
Referred to an eating disorder specialist…
So I went to my pediatrician for my yearly physical and whatever and she was asking about my eating and what not and I think my parents told her I had ‘eating issues’ and she saw it fit to refer me to a specialist. I have to go to a fucking eating disorder specialist. Seriously? I gained weight and I have to go see somebody? This is fucking bullshit and I’m angry and my dad tried talking to me and was like ‘promise me you’ll stop with the laxatives you can die and mess up your entire body blah blah blah’ and I was like ‘yeah yeah yeah I promise’ except I don’t because I hate that useless piece of shit who calls himself my dad and my promises mean nothing. He was like ‘you have a margin to gain to be a healthy weight’ and I almost started crying and was like ‘shut up I’m not gaining weight I’ve always been underweight even before this.’ He kept saying I was never going to be overweight. I actually want to scream right now. I am not afraid of being overweight. I’m afraid of being normal weight. I’m afraid of my BMI being over 16. I’m afraid that I’ll never get back down to 82. The laxatives aren’t the problem. He thinks that my ‘eating issues’ are that I take laxatives. He kept talking about how once I have a better sense of my ‘self-image’ I’ll be better. FUCK THAT. I’m not going to ‘get better.’ I’m not even sick. Then to help things out, since I had a doctors appointment I took laxatives 3 days before and fasted for the 2 days before, so I was weak and whatever. Then I had to get a shot, which normally aren’t a problem at all, except this time I fainted in the office. I had to eat today and yesterday and it turned into a binge and now I want to die and cut my stomach fat off. I don’t know when I have to go see this person but I swear I’m restricting with NO binges until then because I WILL NOT be the fattest girl there.
